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Sunday, July 30, 2017

Patrick Swayze was always only second-best

An essayist who calls himself Seanbaby and writes for the Cracked website has evaluated Why Patrick Swayze Was The Second Best Movie Star Ever.

Seanbaby explained as follows (vulgar remarks removed):


What a lot of people don't realize is that Swayze was the Second Greatest Film Star of All Time, and not in any kind of subjective way-- it's basic science. Almost every movie he starred in was the second best of a particular genre. ...

The Second Best Dancing Movie of All Time: Dirty Dancing

We owe a lot to Dirty Dancing. It was a runaway hit that changed the way people communicated with the language of dance. ...

What was the #1 dance movie? Footloose ... is a better movie. It was about a town that tried to preserve its moral structure by outlawing dance. If you were on the city council of the Footloose town, your eyeballs couldn't even register how filthy Dirty Dancing is. ....

The Second Best Cold War Movie of all Time: Red Dawn

Like everyone who was a kid in 1984, my parents were paranoid gun owners -- positive that any day now, the Russians were going to paradrop into our backyard. Back then, people used to fantasize about Soviet invasions like people fantasize about zombie apocalypses today. And Red Dawn was like every fantasy come true. ... It was about Soviets and Cubans invading Colorado and getting all their Communist shit fucked up by Swayze and a group of high school guerrilla fighters. They even called themselves Wolverines just so they'd have something awesome to scream after they killed Spetsnaz commandos. ...

What was the #1 Cold War movie? Rocky IV Red Dawn was amazing, but when Rocky beat Ivan Drago, he actually ended the Cold War. ....

The Second Best Transvestite Movie of all Time: To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Numar

Most cross-dressing movies center around the theme that if the worst failure of a man disguises himself as a woman, he's immeasurably better than any woman. I'm not sure if this is because screenwriters hate women or because girls just can't do anything right. To be honest, neither reason would surprise me. In To Wong Foo, the superiority of a man in a dress over a regular woman in a dress is never more apparent, but it's kind of not fair since two of them are Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze, and they're both completely awesome.

What was the #1 transvestite movie? Tootsie ....

The Second Best Ghost Movie of all Time: Ghost

At one point, people who enjoyed the hobby of pottery also unintentionally enjoyed the hobby of celibacy. Then the movie Ghost came out. After that scene where Swayze bones Demi Moore by the pottery wheel, ceramics were suddenly an aphrodisiac. ...

To us normal people, Patrick Swayze's death is a sad loss. But psychic mediums have been waiting for this day for years. It's no exaggeration to say that every woman that can communicate with the dead is sitting in her underwear by a pottery wheel and trying to summon Patrick Swayze's ghost right now. Parker Brothers is going to have to release a Ouija board with a Patrick Swayze button and vibrating clay pot attachment.  ...

What was the #1 ghost movie? Ghostbusters Tragically, if the Ghostbusters were here, they'd be trying to kill Patrick Swayze's eternal spirit.

The Second Best Gay Movie of All Time: Point Break

Point Break could be considered a movie about surfing, skydiving, buddy copping or heisting. However, at its core, it's about Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze not quite having sex.

What was the #1 gay movie? Brokeback Mountain. ....

The Second Best Saturday Night Live Skit of All Time: Chippendales Tryouts

The fact that Swayze managed to keep a straight face while he and Chris Farley competed against each other in a stripper audition cements him as at least the second-finest actor of his generation. Or an android. ....

What was the #1 SNL skit of all time? Dick in a Box ....


The commenters following Seanbaby's article added the following comparisons.

The second-best hockey movie -- Youngblood.
#1 was Slap Shot.

The second-best gang movie -- The Outsiders.
#1 was The Warriors.

The second-best trucker movie -- Black Dog.
#1 was Big Trouble in Little China.

The second-best post-apocalyptic movie -- Steel Dawn.
#1 was Road Warrior.

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