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Saturday, January 3, 2009

"Doc" Daniel Says "Dirty Time Wasting"

Dr. V. B. "Doc" Daniel is a general practitioner who runs a 24-hour medical clinic in a rural community known as Pelt Valley, about ten minutes as the crow flies north of Carver Point, Georgia. He "alleviates work-related stress through the appreciation and study of the greatest of all art forms: the cinema." Here are excerpts from his opinion of Dirty Dancing:

.... Dirty Dancing is, was, and will always be one of the stupidest movies to ever drip out of Hollywood's backside. It is, was, and always will be a soundtrack album in search of a movie. .... Let me show you how many ways this movie offends me and the precious artform we call "cinema".

* A period piece that features 80s music in it?

* The lead character in the movie is named "Baby." ....

* It tries to make a superfluous Pro-choice statement in a '50s flick. ...

* Why is Baby's father giving that dork money for med school? Where was he when I had my scholarship revoked for drinking tequila in Pathology class?

* In the heart-wrenching finale, Johnny says that he's created the dance moves for himself and Baby. So how do 40 other dancers fall in step to the entire routine when he prances into the aisle? ...

* Just when we thought they were gone ... pedal-pushers and Keds sneakers!

* Back to that finale - Johnny put a 45 rpm record on, and it plays for the next eight minutes. What gives, this the flipside of Inna-Gadda-Da Vita or American Pie?

* Newman.

Does it seem like I know way too much about this movie, for someone who despises it so much? Bullseye. Know why? 'Cause I was between wives in 1987, and I was dating. Anyone that was dating in 1987 went to see Dirty Dancing. And, I know I am not alone when I say that, if you were a dating guy in 1987, you got dragged to see Dirty Dancing way too many times, at the then-unheard of price of $3.50 per ticket.

And then it hit video, and everybody bought it and watched it over and over and over. And then it hit HBO, and, because it was rated PG-13, they could show it morning, noon, and night, 7-24-365. And they keep draggin' it back out when they have 90 minutes to burn. And so on and so on and so on. ....

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